I am mostly someone else to the world. I am not what others consider I am. This might be true with most of us, but what surprises/saddens/shocks/intrigues me is that I am mostly someone else to myself.
A simple question settled my doubts on this regard. How many times have I told myself that I was good (bad) at something because of some (lack of) intrinsic ability, while time and experience had shown me otherwise? I have fooled myself many times this way. A game of football, chess, academics, work, physical abilities, and mostly – events of everyday life and my having total control over all of them. Everyday events are strange; they don’t mean much in the long run, but they have shown me that my level of control over things are somewhat hazy, mostly absent. I don’t have full control, but it doesn’t seem to matter very much.
As I am typing this, I am being faced with a very familiar but creepy situation. I know I have some train of thought in my mind about fooling myself, control, pretense, etc. But, what is happening is that this thought is based on half buried axioms, half baked theories, and incomplete experiences. This fuzzy mix of thoughts has happened to me many many times. I have made a fool of myself trying to defend some viewpoint from this mixture in many an argument. I have built more screwed up theories on these fuzzy thoughts. I have gone to the extent of defining some life policies based on these fuzzy thoughts.
What are fuzzy thoughts? Here is an example. Take my love for everything India – Indian politics, dingchak movies, pride about roadside mostly un-hygenic food, vernacular languages, my compassion for anyone who looks Indian, the deeper amount of pain I feel for those who died during the 1947 Partition as compared to the more academic pain I feel for the 1940s Nazi Holocaust victims. This sense of one-ness with India is a classic Fuzzy Thought. I really cannot explain this love for India fully – This is because rationality tells me that location of birth is incidental, and love for one’s birth country is unfounded. This is how the classic fuzzy reasoning goes, and goes nowhere after a while……Fuzzy thoughts define important priorities. It seems unfair that so much is decided by them, but well……I don’t know whether I can dub that unfair without figuring out what these thoughts are, and what they mean…..
So, as for whether I am someone else? A lot more has to be figured out before I get here….